Reconnecting

[Nox]

Alli sat in the tall grass of one of the many clearings scattered across the park. Only the occasional wisp of cloud lazed across the sky, though a gentle, near constant breeze blew through, keeping the heat an humidity from being unbearable. Despite the weather though, her heart felt heavy in her chest. She had felt for a while before coming to this place that something was...off. Missing, maybe. Incomplete. She thought coming here and joining a sept, a pack even, would fill that void. It didn't. If anything, it was made more apparent to her from by the stories told, the histories shown, the bonds and pasts of the other members, their...passion. Their fierce faith in and defense of Gaia. She envied that passion and ferocity in their eyes, but couldn't seem to feel it. Even after the run to Lexington to help their Glasswalker sept infiltrate and destroy a hive, after seeing Carry almost become a Bane, after getting beaten down by Dancers...and then coming into a room full of their elders, one shifting into a dragon, facing what she was sure was the last thing she would ever do, beside her sept mates in a battle that she had all but failed in against two of the lowest forms of Wyrm creatures. Remembering the gut-wrenching fear and then the strange calm of acceptance and determination brought a smile to her face, filled her with a sort of...of pride. But it was fleeting. The others had done so much better, put themselves at so much more risk than she had. At least, it felt that way. It wasn't as though she hadn't tried. It was the first real fight she had ever been in, the only life-threatening thing she'd done since first changing. But she didn't feel that that was an excuse. And so she lay, a frown creasing her brow despite the sunshine and the breeze.

[Mouse]

Carry comes wandering up quietly in lupus, her newly gained scars stark and obvious against her shaggy red coat.  She walks up to Alli and sniffs at her for a moment, nosing at her septmate, before curling up next to the girl quietly.

[Nox]

Not yet opening her eyes, Alli puts an arm around Carry, a smile coming slowly and unbidden. "Hi Carry," she says softly, then opens her eyes and smiles a bit more as she scratches the top of the shaggy wolf's head.

[Mouse]

Carry raises her head, letting her tongue flop out happily for a moment at the head scratches.  Then she turns towards the girl.

<<Are you alright, young one?>> she whines, licking hte girl's cheek.  <<You seem sad.>>

[Nox]

Drawing in a hesitant breath, an uncertain, almost conflicted look on her face, she sits up and explains how she feels. The feeling of missing something, of bit feeling emotionally adequate in comparison, her actual inadequacy during the battle, then the fleeting pride at accepting what could have, and under any other circumstance probably would have, been her death, but willing and ready to fight despite that. The color rose in her face as she spoke, eyes continuously meeting Carry's only to drop to the side again. 

"...I just don't feel...complete."

[Mouse]

Carry listens carefully to the girl as she speaks, her wolfish eyes unwavering.  When she is finished, she stands and shifts to Crinos form.  She stands over the girl at her full eight and a half feet.

<<Sometimes battle isn't always about who does the most damage.>> she growls out in the Garou tongue.  <<Sometimes its about being their for your septmates, and supporting them in any way you know how.  You have your own strengths.  You just need to see them as important.>>

Carry settles next to the girl again, though she remains in Crinos form.  <<Though, to be honest, I felt rather lackluster about that fight myself.  I was hardly in top form.>>

[Nox]

"It isn't just the battle. I can see how all of you feel, the pride and belief in Gaia and what you do, what you've done. I've traveled in the Umbra. I've been shifting for years, so much that it barely takes a thought to do anymore. I've seen and done and encountered so much that, just a few years ago, I didn't know existed. And now I've fought Banes and Black Spiral Dancers. I spend more time here with you, with other Garou, than I do anywhere else. But the only time I've come close to feeling the intensity of what I see in all of you was just a fleeting moment. There are so many times that I stop and look around at the things going on and people around me, and I just feel like I'm in a dream. And to be fair, you were kind of wrapped up in a Bane. Quite literally."

[Mouse]

<<You are still very young, and the way of the Garou is still new to you.  We throw a lot on our cubs, and expect them to take it all with stride.  Not all do though, and that is ok.  It's a feeling that will pass in time.>>

Carry scratches at the ground with her claws.  <<And that bane shouldn't have been able to get a hold of me like it did.  I should have been quicker on my feet.>>

[Nox]

"The Bane was just quicker. We tend to think of them as all the same, but they come just as varied as we do. Even if it shouldn't have been able to get a hold of you as it did, I should have been able to help get it off of you, or Windy, and neither of us could. But we're alive still, and as long as we are able to learn from it, it wasn't just a battle. Or another battle, in your case."

[Mouse]

Carry chuckled, a strange half whine half bark from her wolfish muzzle.  <<You will see plenty of battles in time, Alli.  Relish the feeling of inexperience while you still have it.  Once you know what you are doing in a battle, it becomes all the more difficult to keep things under control.>>

[Nox]

"It's always difficult to appreciate simplicity until you no longer have it. A friend of mine has a saying that goes, 'hindsight is 20/20.'"

Alli takes a slow, deep breath, feeling as though she'd just pulled herself from a particularly enveloping book though they had only been talking for a few minutes. Emotional turmoil had that effect. She stood and stretched. "Thank you Carry. I'd been afraid to talk to anyone about the way I've been feeling. I was...am, kind of ashamed."

[Mouse]

Carry nods, and gives a wolfish smile.  <<If there is anything I've learned in my time alive, it's that if you can't love yourself, you can't love anyone else.  Don't be ashamed of who you are.  Gaia made you as you are for a reason, and I think you are going to do fine.>>

[Nox]

Alli thought again to that moment of pride. Facing death and being so unbelievably afraid. And then calm. Determined. Willing and ready to keep fighting. As simple as that, no deep and long explanation, no thoughts, no questions. Fear, calm acceptance, and rage fueled by pride and determination. Having found the lesson to be learned, she grinned. "Maybe it won't be so difficult, after this." Then in an almost fluid movement of bone and muscle, she stood in Crinos, wolf-grinning. "Care for a run?"

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